"First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win." -- Mahatma Gandhi

With Apologies to David Letterman: Top Ten Voice Mails Left on Jay Nixon’s Cell Phone

December 11th, 2008 by MarkTwain · No Comments

10. Hey Jay, Chuck Graham here. Listen, Phil Tate and I are wasted at Hooter’s in Columbia and the manager just cut us off. We’re driving down to Jeff City and wanted to see if you’d meet us at Chili’s? Hit me back dog!

9. Jay, Rod Blagojevich, word on the street is you’re hiring people to work in your administration. Please consider me and my wife. I’m under a little pressure to find something so if you could get back to me today that’d be great. Thanks!

8. Yo’ dog! Eminem here. If your serious about having me play at your inauguration you need to hand over mo’ benjamins! We can work “Little ‘Jer” into the set but he better not step on my lyrics!

7. Hi Jay, Mark Funkhouser. Listen things are getting really crazy here in Kansas City with my wife. Can I crash at your place for a few days?

6. Jay, Howard Dean. I’ve looked over some of your old clips and I really don’t think you need my help delivering your own “I have a Scream” speech. Just let your inate insanity come through. I know you can do it!

5. Mr. Nixon this is David Hasselhoff. I want you to know that I don’t appreciate, nor do I understand why, you spent the better part of the last four months attacking me about Washington D.C. I don’t even live there. Buy a TV and watch old Baywatch and Knight Rider re-runs to find out who I really am. Otherwise you’ll be hearing from my attorney.

4. Jay-Virginia Young, St. Louis Post-Dispatch. I’ve almost finished the 12-part series on your election and pending inauguration. I just need you to sign off on all of it and it will be good to go. Every article will be on the front page with supporting editorials lauding the wonderful things you’re going to do for our state in the next four years. On a side note, Kevin Horrigan said you remind him of Rod Blagojevich who we endorsed twice for Governor of Illinois. He’s kind of the gold standard around here so those are some mad props! See you at the staff meeting tomorrow!

3. Jay, its Jim Matthweson. I met this totally hot chick at the bank today in Sedalia. She could be the one bro! Anywho, I hear you’re about to fire 600 Blunt people in state government. Can you hook my girl up with a job? No need to pass that toupee-tax credit legislation we talked about.

2. Jay, Bob Holden. Look I’ve got some great ideas on how to throw an inauguration party that will be off-the-hook! We had circus tents and animals at mine and it was CRAZY fun! Also, when you start cutting the budget go straight for schools like I did. People will say you’re crazy but remember, school kids can’t travel to Jeff City in the middle of the week to protest you. It’s foolproof buddy!

1. Jay, it’s the Phillip-Morris Tobacco Company. Thanks for taking it so easy on us for the last 16 years. We hope your friends are enjoying the payouts we gave them. Wanted to discuss some options for your budget. What do you think about putting cigarette vending machines in every classroom in Missouri? You’ll be rolling, no pun intended, in money before you know it. You’ve got our direct line. Call us back!

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